Another year on….

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It’s been over a year since I set up this blog, and it was only whilst I was rumbling with the idea of starting a blog about Imposter Syndrome and being an HR advisor that I remembered this site even existed. Rather than take up yet another URL that I don’t actually need, I thought it made more sense to ramble away here instead.

I thought it was only right to have a look at the past and put some things to bed before launching straight into complaining about the current situation (I’m sure there are plenty of covid-related blog posts floating around at the moment), so let’s see:

  1. I’ve re-bought my house after the significant other turned out to be a significant waste of space and effort.
  2. I’ve started another new job, but this time it’s within the same company rather than starting a new one so I suppose that means it’s a promotion of sorts. In reality it feels like a whole lot more of the same with a whole lot less clarity…but more on that later.
  3. My job has been at risk of redundancy and I decided it was a good idea to represent my colleagues through the process.
  4. More family members lost.
  5. I’ve peaked and then totally dropped off with my exercise regime so whilst I successfully lost weight, I regained a significant proportion of it.
  6. I’ve found my better-half.
  7. Planning was the 3rd of my new year commitments and I’m actually quite proud to say that I managed to stick to using my planner for the whole year and into this one, unfortunately Coronavirus has unfortunately put a stop to that for now so I’ve been searching for other ways to redirect that focus.

 

I’m not sure what my intention is in the longer-term but I suppose I’m going to use this blog as a kind of therapy at the moment so here’s to hoping that nobody reads it because writing is not one of my strong points. We all need a safe space to vent!

The Gym

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The gym. A scary place frequented by lycra-wearing, protein-drinking, altogether more superior beings.

At least, that’s the image that comes to mind every time I try to convince myself to go. The rational part of my mind tells me that lots of different people go to the gym, but in those moments where I’m urging myself to be brave, I can’t help but think of the super-toned men and women who are the other side of those big glass doors and I just want to run in the other direction.

What I struggle to understand is where these people came from because they seem to be those people from school who hate P.E. One minute they were trying to bunk-off cross-country, and now they are fit, toned and glamorous – when did that transition happen and how did I miss the memo?!

I love the principle of “it’s never too late to start”, but in reality it’s a really scary prospect. I feel like I’m joining the party late and if I dare to step through the doors everyone will turn and stare, looks of judgment clear on their faces. The same worries that I had as a teenager resurface – am I wearing the right things? should I wear makeup? will everyone laugh at me? do I even belong here?

Then the extra level of anxiety kicks in – where will I keep my stuff? what if the locker key breaks? or if I lose it? are there showers? what if I slip in the shower and nobody notices I’m still missing hours later? how do the machines work? what if I use it wrong? what if I fall off? what if I collapse because I’m a lump? what if I have to go to hospital? will be stuff be removed from the locker? how will I phone home to get someone to pick me up? Each question swirling round in my brain quicker than the last.

Thankfully, I broke through those worries and ACTUALLY WENT TO THE GYM on a Friday night (cue anxious thoughts of people judging me for not going out to socialise). I will admit I did have company from another equally unfit although less socially awkward colleague, but luckily this company meant I couldn’t chicken out and hide in my car for an hour pretending I’d gone. Overall, it was a success – yes I probably could’ve burned more calories – but I didn’t fall off the machines, or slip in the showers, or end up in hospital!

My next challenge is finding the motivation to go back, to make it a habit rather than an ongoing battle of will power. I’ve tried putting it in my planner but for some reason that isn’t enough to make me go – any suggestions to find that intrinsic motivation are greatly welcomed.

In the long run, I’m hoping that going to the gym will help me to be a healthier version of myself. I’m not setting myself targets at the moment because I’m tired of letting myself down and I just want to spend some time celebrating the things I do manage to do rather than the things I don’t.

This blog is meant to be helping me find my voice and be my best self, but if this resonates with you then just remember, you’re not alone in worrying about the gym, about what you wear, or about an unimaginable number of other things which are unlikely to ever happen. I think it’s called ruminating, but more on that when I reflect on mindfulness at some point when I have more energy because I used all of mine last night on one gym session!

New Habits

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It is common to talk about resolutions in the new year, I’ve also tried labeling them commitments so it’s more about committing to the here and now than resolving to change in the future, but I’ve decided this year to think about new habits instead. You only have to search “habit forming” and you’ll come up with over 44 million results from definitions, to self-help, to psychological research. Whilst there are contradictory views throughout these articles, the clear message coming from all of them is that habits take time.

There are 3 habits that I want to develop this year, two are pretty standard (healthy eating and exercising) and I’ll come to those at another time, but the final one is the one I’m starting on first – planning.

Luckily for me, one of my lovely friends bought me a planner for Christmas this year – it’s not just your usual week-to-view diary, it’s also got weekly to-do-lists, goals, appointments and blank spaces. I would always have an old-school diary with birthdays and the odd plans scribbled down, but the huge open spaces would make me feel like my life was boring: work, eat, sleep, repeat. Whole weeks would go by when I wouldn’t even open it. In contrast, my new planner has small boxes and breaks things down into bite-sized chunks that make me want to write things down just so that I can actually tick them off. I’m writing to-do-lists and actually planning the time to do them, rather than waiting to get bored of sitting on the sofa before I get up to do things.

There are two parts to this habit:

(1) The habit itself of spending time planning my week ahead and being brave enough to plan further into the future

(2) The benefits of the habit – so far I’m seeing myself being more productive (I’m writing a blog post first thing on a Monday morning before work instead of lying in bed scrolling for 3 hours), and I’m feeling more satisfied due to being productive.

I tell a lie – I think there are 3 parts to this habit. As well as initiating the habit and reaping the benefits, I now have to maintain it and that’s the hardest part. Hopefully the satisfaction of achieving something with my days will help to build the intrinsic motivation needed to keep going until it become a natural part of my rhythm and routine. I won’t be overly prescriptive with when I sit down to fill in my planner, or become overly critical if I don’t tick off everything on the to-do list, but I will hold myself accountable and ask myself “why not” if I’m not achieving my goals.

I’m putting this all down in a blog post as the first step to holding myself accountable for doing this. I’m not qualified to give advice on life when I’m still trying to figure it out for myself, but what I would say is this: find a way to hold yourself accountable, whether it’s by sharing with someone close to you, telling the world, or even by finding yourself an accountability buddy to talk to. Finding a way to hold yourself accountable is like taking out an insurance policy – even if you let something drop, there is a mechanism in place to get you back on track again.

I’m trying to live my best life after all, so surely the best place to start is by actually DOING STUFF, and giving myself a hand to get it done!

 

The Journey Begins…

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We’ve all heard it…”new year, new me”. Some people make resolutions, some try to eat healthier after the Christmas binge, some try to exercise more, some look for new jobs. I never used to be one of those people and I would justify it by saying that you can change things any time so why wait for January, but that was probably just a cover story for my failure to actually stick to any new plans I’ve made. I won’t say that this year will be different (that would sound too much like a cliche), but I have spent more time reflecting that usual and that has kick-started a few changes which *fingers crossed* I will attempt to maintain momentum with as the year snowballs but I’ll come to that later.

A lot of things happened last year: I finished my HR qualification; I left the company who gave me my first “real job” out of uni; family members were lost; a lot of weight was gained; I bought my first house with my significant other; and I didn’t have a single day sick from work. Some of these things may seem more life-changing than others on the surface, but every single one has shaped the person I am today on a deeper level (as well as literally in some cases).  Unfortunately though after all of this I headed into January feeling like I couldn’t wait to leave the year behind because, in spite of some huge highs, I feel like I’m drowning in the lows still. This blog is hopefully my way to find my voice again, to find my focus, and to figure out how to live my best life. It’s time to shake off those lows!

I don’t have all the answers because I don’t even know what questions I am trying to figure out, but I am going to give this a go. I know that blogs are most successful because they find a niche, but for now this is just about finding my personal niche not a digital one, so I will be exploring a whole variety of different topics: career, personal development, mental health, wellbeing, hobbies, food, and anything else which may crop up along the way.

If this sounds in any way interesting then feel free to follow along with my journey, all I can promise is that I will be an honest twenty-something who is trying to figure out how to live her best life.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”  – Mark Twain